Happy Birthday, Chris Tucker.

He's legit now. 18 tomorrow.


I'm attempting to revive this thing. It's a comforting little outlet to have. I think I only use it for when I have an epiphany or something smacks me in the face I should have understood years ago. That happened this week.
A good friend, Taylor Suppinger, was covering our youth lesson (A. don't draw conslusions and B. ignore the fact I still go to youth class) as our youth leader was away in Alabama fighting fires or doing whatever it is he does. He gave a lesson on love. What it is, what it is not. Simply, he talked about how love was obedience. I think that's a word people try to separate from love. I always think of love as unconditional, not submissive but it's just that. Especially when we are discussing our love for Jesus. As human, I am a failure on my own. I'm inferior and I'm a dark, sinister being. But by being obedient to God, I do what I can to show my love for him. That hit me rather hard. It seems like everytime I'm praying to repent, or for a new slate, it seems like I somehow incorporate the phrase "and I'm sorry for failing but I love you and I'm flawed." While that may be true, I'm severely flawed, that isn't a prayer with meaning. If I loved God half as much as I would like to, I would have such greater discipline and obedience and stop trying to be an idiot. I'm not being a pessimist, it's just the simple truth. I fail, and that's okay. But what's not okay is continued failure. It needs to diminish, and I need to never be complacent with the level of faith I reach with God. I want to go out, still in full force gaining a better understanding of what He is to me. Another point Taylor made focused on how God was probably more annoyed with us than anything. Now I think of him being angry, or disappointed sometimes, but I just have never pictured God being annoyed with me. To God, I resemble a preteen scene girl. And as we all know, that is terribly annoying. Like I'm just sitting there yelling "I LOVE YOU" but all He hears is the banging on a cymbal. An annoying repetition of ignorance. I hope to work on this, and I'm glad it was brought to my attention.

Good day.


Currently Reading: The Catcher in the Rye.