Friday, January 9, 2009

The War Rages On.

I'm sure of the cause and I'm sure of the casualties.
I'm only unsure of why I am still fighting.

The struggle is eternal, that I know.
But for an eternity will I struggle with the same old foes?
The light is there, but shrouded in the dark.
Its' source still strong, its' carrier not.

Constantly, I ponder what I should be doing or what makes a day meaningful.
And in the process become oblivious to living at all.
The distraction is everywhere, even inside me.
In battle with the fraction of good that longs to be free.

Yes, the cost of freedom has always been high,
But freedom from oneself is set at the ultimate price.
To deny oneself and give up all rights,
And in the mystery of how He works, that is how we find life.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Rinse and Repeat.

Oh...the irony!
I was going to focus on You but I got distracted on me.
Tangled up, in what I convince myself is a life. What I long to make real and important, tangible.

Oh...the blasphemy!
I scream I'm for you, but I think my name is better.
You are the King, but I am more suited for the throne,
of lies and lust, and a humanity lost.
Blindly, I lead.

Oh...the pity!
And to think, I almost thought of someone else, but more important events have unfolded.
Sources say, contact has been made. Others are trying to reach me.
So for now, You will just have to wait, my pointless words could occupy a lifetime.

Oh...the mercy!
You show me, and I can't fathom why. For a life I deny You and You only bleed grace.
Could this love have no end?
I have tested its extremities yet never find its bounds.
Lead me, consume me, swallow me whole.
Leave nothing behind, no trace of my former self for it is me that continues this disastrous cycle.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

2008?

More like 2000 hate.
Kidding.

So, this year was interesting. Maybe? I will say, I think its been the most I've ever reflected on myself in a 365 day period and I can say that I managed to somewhat venture out of the depression I had fallen into over the past 2 years. If you don't know me well, don't get the wrong idea. I think depression is normal and I was going through times where I just didn't know what to do with myself. I still don't, but I'm finally learning to cope and am seeing Who it is I need to follow. But enough of that.

I think I went to something around 16 states this year which is nice, I think. I've always liked to travel. The year was filled with some great shows and some great friends. It was filled with more mistakes than anything, but thats what make the good times that much more meaningful.

Albums wise, I'm giving the year to House of Heroes. I just fill The End is Not The End was the album that did it for me. It kind of came out of nowhere with hardly any buzz before its release and then BAM! Fantastic record. Other highlights for me were the new Anberlin, Underoath, Ra Ra Riot!, The Bird and the Bee Sides (because I wasn't expecting much, in all honesty), and I really got into the Farewell Flight record though it was officially released in 07. I'm not going to attempt to compile a list of the best of 08 because there's just THAT much music I haven't gotten yet from this year that I'm sure would qualify to make it.

I haven't picked a favorite movie but as much hype as it received, The Dark Knight kind of blew me away. I liked Into the Wild a lot, too.

I guess this blog isn't at all what I expected it to be, but all I can focus on is right now and where things are heading. I feel like 2009 could be a big year and I hope to grow into my potential. For once, I know that I have a few solid friends (I know this because for the first time in my life I miss them when they're not around. A quote from my favorite book I read this year, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, "I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like. It's much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have french fries with your mom be enough." That sums things up in many ways. And though things aren't perfect and they're not always on the up and up I'm starting to see that it's okay to live as an opposite. One day with things okay, and one day with them not. It's just how things work and in this life consistency is something that you will chase to the grave. I guess my goal for this year is just to try to be more selfless, love those around me more than myself and love my God more than any of those things even when I don't want to. I know this will probably make my year terribly difficult and I'll battle with that needy thing of a beast inside my chest (thank you Donald Miller) but I think I'm up for it.

So here's to 09, which hopefully can take me down the path of grace and humility. Because friends, these past few years have been tough for me and there have been days, and weeks, where I just didn't know how to deal or what to do with myself. Thank the Lord, He's provided when I need it and I hope at the end of next year I can look back and say I failed more than once, but I tried more than ever.

Best wishes.