Now for the blog that matters.
Not to say that this week wasn't incredible.
But I feel this is more important than anything right now. And my heart is just singing with such ferocity that it would be foolish to try to quiet it.
I'm tired of talking about nothing.
All I can say is I don't know why and I don't know for what reason, but God has showed me more in the past week than in the past years. Guys, I don't even know how to explain. So many times, I feel my "faith" is so counterfeit that everyone can see right through. Unfortunately, I am a better manipulator than that and I can make things seem alright when there not. And for the past few months, maybe even years, I have not been alright. I've tried to base my faith on feeling, alone, and question myself when things aren't going well and I don't feel like what i think a Christian should. But I have decided, I am done with formality and fundamentalism and I'm going to make my faith my own. Because whether you believe it or not, God is the most real thing I've come to find. The relationship I have with him is so genuine, so tangible and so intangible at the same time. Almost indescribable. Lately, I have been reading Blue Like Jazz and the book has just opened my eyes to so many aspects of my weak faith that I've never questioned or tested.
Right now, the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm finally choosing to be all I can in Christ. Its so cliche. And seems so generic. But I say these things with more seriousness than anything. And I know I will fail miserably, but I am still going to try. I am so sick of seeing everyone invest in this world. Because I believe this world is run by Satan and evil. And that I am bad and the good inside me is quite outnumbered. I plan on this being a life long fight and though I don't know how long this life will last, I do plan on fighting to the finish.
I know this blog may seem out of place, or maybe a quick fix to make myself feel better. But its not. Its just that for so long I've wanted a real faith, but I have done nothing to seek it. And have stayed my same old self. Forgive me for being a terrible example, but just know that I do Believe. And though i do think i've wanted to believe before, I don't think I have ever experienced something this real. And so assuring.
I just hope that even though this feeling will subside, I stand firm in what i believe. And serve to the best of my ability. Because I seriously cannot believe I am loved this much.
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1 comment:
you know, believe it or not i can relate to this entry sooo much. I have actually been feeling like that for a while and that book was a heart opener for me. really. Its so nice to feel like im not the only one. its just hard being the person you want to be when you feel out of place in the environment where you are.
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